Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Before Photos

It burns!
If I'm going to be accountable and really put it out there, here are the photos/experiences that really upset me and pretty much were the straw that broke the camel's back in this body of mine. I work in a corporate environment, so I have to dress up. I'm used to being able to wear comfortable clothes, yoga pants and turn workout attire into reasonably disguised 9-5 wear. Not here. I've managed to buy some dresses here and there and I've found some scores in sales racks. I'm a fan of easy on, easy off, especially gym days. I have this one dress though, that I didn't try on before I bought it. It fits everywhere except for my arms...my big matronly arms. The last time I wore it, I had painful chafing and basically felt like my circulation was being cut off because it was so tight around the circumference.

Food Baby
Ah, bloating. Ever since my surgeries, my digestion has been less than stellar. Every day I find something else that causes me extreme bloating, gas pains, gas, a snap crackle popping noise in my left side (the bubble guts I like to call them) or embarrassingly loud howls coming from my bowels. This does not bode well in an office setting. One day, after having a seemingly innocent breakfast of a green juice, a green tea latte (with full dairy) and some grapes, this happened. Half way through my work day I realized I had a basketball sized food baby protruding out of my body. This is unacceptable.
Finally, here it is. The body I am born with, the body that shames me. I know, things could be worse. I could be missing a limb. I could be unable to walk etc, but this is not the shape I am comfortable in. This is not the shape I move well in. This body has taken a beating, internally and externally. My stomach bears 6 scars and I seem to carry all my weight in it. I'm a woman, I'm a Cancer and I'm told this is normal, but I don't like it. I also know that weight is not a number, but the scale is not clouding my mind with muscle. There's fat in them thar hills. I also know a waist size of 36 or greater is not healthy as a woman, especially one in her 30s. For my own health and future, it's important I start taking better care of myself now, to prevent any more complications later. Seeing these images make me cry right now. I hope to look back one day and say they made me proud. Today is not that day.


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