Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Month of Me

Stop me if I become your friend that only talks about weight loss and the battle of her bulge. I feel like this blog is a good outlet for that type of thing, but lately in my social time, I feel the subject always reverts back to fitness at some point. I'm not sure if other people are on their own journey, if it's something always in the forefront of my friend's minds, or if folks just feel like they have to talk about it too to make me feel better.

I have been reaching out to friends I haven't seen in a long time - we're talking almost a year or more - and a lot has happened in the past year with me, mentally and physically. Sure, a lot of it has to do with my weight loss/weight gain/surgeries etc but it's not like I'm the only person on Earth who has dealt with hardship and physical setbacks. After we meet and chat for a while, catch up etc, the conversation somehow spins to weight loss, motivation or the popular topic of just getting old. I don't know if I'm the one who starts it, or if I just contribute. I need to be more self aware.

I just wonder if my weight struggles are starting to define me with friends. I think that's why I broke away from the mainstream to document my own journey out of the "loop" so to speak on a different blog. I think for some it's helpful to separate it all, as one friend told me it bores her, while others may find it helpful that the story can be all in one place as the focus. I'm really just doing it for me though.

I read so many other stories online, follow other accounts and look for motivational success stories every.single.day. It's almost an obsession. I shy way from any Fitspo imagery or models in hot pants who already have the body I dream of, shouting at me through fancy fonts or sponsorships how to do it, how not to do it and of course, for the love of god, not to ever STOP doing it! It can be tiring.

I'm just trying to do it the best I can. I'm still figuring out what works for me. It's been about a month or so since I've made the effort to really eat cleaner and work out more. I weighed myself today and I'm still around 184 pounds. Granted, I know I am gaining muscle and getting stronger, but the other parts of me are not shrinking. I've never been one of those people who can lose weight simply by stating the desire to do so, eating less and moving more. No, I have to train for half marathons, do hot yoga, take boxing classes, body weights classes 2-3x a week simultaneously and then still watch what I eat! With my body in recovery from various events, some days that type of schedule or intensity is just not possible. I don't know if it ever will be again. *plays tiny violin*

I started jogging a bit more this week though. I ran my first 3 miles around the Lake for the first time in about 5 months. It's slow going and my back and hip hate me. I'm working on upper body strength more as well.I can still do a real push up, 5 at the most now. I keep reverting to month 1 of Jaime Eason's Live Fit Trainer to do it over and over again until I feel like I'm making progress. I'm doing about 20-30 minutes of cardio 3 times a week, but I know I need to step it up and do 35-45 minutes. Perhaps it's time to cut back the weights and move more with cardio. Fat loss needs to happen first, and at this rate, it never will! I have to remind myself this is not a race. I went back and read all blog posts from when I first began my mission in 2011 to lose weight and get fit. It took my body a good FOUR MONTHS to start shedding any weight. It's frustrating, but that's just what I have to work with.

Fall is the time of change and rebirth. I say it every year, October is the month of ME. This one isn't any different.

Time for a do-over.