I just can't keep track...of myself

Well, it appears as if I'm as terrible at blogging about this journey as I am with tracking. That's not to say I have not been on track, but I just find it so tiresome to track my food, my activity, my thoughts, my anything sometimes. Life gets in the way, I sit at a computer all day and fear the wrath of corporate America watching over me. I probably shouldn't be blogging now, but I'm on my lunch break.

I've been staying ahead of the day by planning out my meals like this:

meal prep
Steamed broccoli, chicken breast and white sweet potatoes. Mini breakfast quiches.

I've been trying to cook more healthy "comfort foods" like this:

matzo ball soup
Homemade vegetarian matzo ball soup!

I've had days like this:
fit bit flex
If only every day could be this way....
And, I've had days like THIS:
I've been making a better attempt at keeping things in line, grocery shopping, prepping my food and meals for the week, laying out work out clothes, getting up at 5:45 to work out in the MORNING and making Saturdays my extra long work out day, when my body allows. My body has been a bitch lately.

After Halloween I had what was seemingly your run of the mill stomach bug. I couldn't really eat nor did I have an appetite.  I knew this was something since it is not like me to NOT want food. I was lethargic, had headaches, couldn't really be too far from a restroom, the usual. Then I started getting bad cramps, which is weird since I no longer have a uterus. This week I found out I was the proud owner of a 3cm cyst on my left ovary, which had bled into itself. Grrrrrrrreat. 

I'm on amber alert now so I don't rupture it further and my doctor and I are taking a "wait and watch" approach. In the meantime, high impact activity is out for me, like running. Again, this pisses me off since I was just starting to gain momentum in my workouts again. Frankly, I'm pretty pissed off that since the summer of 2012, any attempt I make at getting back into shape has been knocked down due to some stroke of bad luck. Surgery? Car accident? Strange growth in my innards? You name it, I've dealt with it. All I can do is keep pushing through it all. 

I can't wait for the feeling of moving forward. I can't wait to see GAINS and see my clothes fit again. I've re-started yet again the LiveFit Program by Jamie Eason. Phase 1 works out perfectly since cardio is a no-show. I'm still doing about 20 minutes on the elliptical though - shhhh! I'm eating cleaner than I ever have, but also letting myself eat. I found some great protein powder I really love and have upped my supplements. I'm taking glutamine after my workouts, a women's vitamin, magnesium, fish oil and cq10 in the morning. At night, depending on if I've been drinking, I have a B-complex, as well as a biotin supplement for my hair/skin/nails. I've noticed my hair is growing (thank god) faster, as I'm trying to grow out this dreaded short cut. My nails are strong and my skin looks great, so I am aiming to be healthy inside and out. Occasionally I take a pre-workout supplement if I'm not energized enough and I always have either a muscle milk or a Quest bar on hand after my workouts. I think I'm following things to a T, so I can only hope I'll start seeing some rewards. I am tracking with My Fitness Pal, my FitBit Flex as well as keeping notes on my phone for workouts and weight levels.

I'm still trying VERY hard to be nice to myself, but it's proving difficult. As motivation, I saw a picture of myself from a wedding I was in recently. I was mortified. All I could see was how large, fat and "beefy" I looked. I felt it that day too. My arms are monstrosities. They are disgusting in my eyes. My main goal is to lose the fat and build those suckers up with muscle. I had been working out for a month or so (by no means a long time) at the time oft the photo, but I just didn't expect to see myself look so much like a sausage still.

The guilty picture.
I hate this picture. All I can see is a massive, fat arm. No definition. Thick legs. A dress that is too big because I did not want anything form fitting to show my waist or belly. I ended up looking like a pumpkin tent. My goal is to look back on this photo in 6 months and see a major difference in myself. I know it's all about self-acceptance blah blah blah, and I believe in that to a certain extent. I know I am worthy - but I also know I can do better.


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