Lucky Loses It

Today I met with one of my "health coaches" to check in at the gym. This is just someone that is a part of my cheerleading team, like the bf, or my trainer in this journey to get back to a place where I am happy. I got weighed and lost a few more pounds since our last weigh in. This is a huge victory considering I've been drinking my normal amount, the holidays came and went and I had my own little treats and indulgences here and there. I also felt like a salt lick a few days here and there, but a small loss is a big win for me. Per usual, I can't be 100% happy. I don't trust it. I don't trust it's working, even though I am seeing results. My scale at home does not match the scale at the gym. When I'm naked and standing on it in the morning, it is not the same as the number in the gym. It's heavier by at least 1.5lbs. Is this some mean way the universe is playing with me? I started to get emotional in that little cramped room on the second fl...

Ok, so this is one thing I simply won't do. At least for now. Let me whine about my wine for a bit. Call me crazy, say I don't "want it bad enough" or have no self-control, but I love my glass (or 2) of wine at night. The past 5 days though, I have been very good and only had 1 glass per night. Well, there was one night I had two, but I hadn't eaten as much during the day and I just simply wanted some more. The one thing about diets I hate is the restriction. I hate authority. Well, I hate shitty authority, but if I know if it's for my best interest, I'll deal with it. Same with diets. I know that I can cut out drinking and lower caloric intake, but I also know I've lost weight while indulging on it as well. Balance is key, as it is with everything else in life. I'm not noticing any dramatic changes or shifts in my mentality though. I eat my dinner before my wine so I can digest it first, then I drink tons of water. This is making it hard for m...

I haven't written because I feel as if I'm in some sort of a slump again. That, combined with being busy socially kind of let the blogging priority fall to the wayside. I'm still plodding along, working out, meal prepping, lifting and running, and not seeing a change. Friends in and out of the area have gotten married, work is busy and I had a guest for a few days last weekend, so things have been all up in the air and are now settling down.  Since I haven't seen change or loss of fat in so long, I decided to do something about it. Note how I am focused on FAT, not "weight". I could care less what the scale says these days, I just want to fit into my clothes again and see muscle.  I went against every fiber of my being, everything I stand for, everything my wallet could handle and decided to join a weight loss program. I won't mention what it is in case it does or doesn't work. I'm still not sure how I feel about such caloric restriction, bu...

I really feel like I need to get into another program or start meeting with a trainer. There are days when I am strictly cardio, there are days when I work on particular body parts and there are days where I haphazardly go into the gym and do whatever I think won't make me hurt. Today was a mix of the later two. I'm giving my legs and back a rest today and went with upper body training. I decided to focus mainly on chest and triceps with a little shoulder work. I have also made a goal for myself to do 36 push ups a day every day for the month of October. That's just 3 sets of 12, or one day, I can do more than the 20 in a row I can do now. I just have to remember to NOT end my routine with the push ups like I did today, or else I literally feel like I am pushing the world away from me. Collapse was inevitable. It was a welcome surprise to see the weight area so empty on a Wednesday morning. I'm guessing the throes of men or sports fans who watched the wild card game...

Crazy to believe I started this new blog one year ago today. I thought I would see myself a bad ass lifting machine by now, but that's not how life works, is it? I remember those first days in the gym after a 3 month hiatus due to the car accident and lots of chiropractic visits. I had just  literally already come off a month long hiatus prior due to hernia surgery before then, so it really did feel like starting from scratch. The days of just walking on the treadmill. The dread of going to the gym after work and hoping I didn't re-injure myself...I remember the hesitation and the feeling of being let down when I couldn't run or walk uphill due to back pain. I still have issues, but the more I remain active the more hopeful I am they will resolve themselves with time. I remember the day I took this picture. It was early September 2013. I had gone to the gym after work and really wanted to push past 30 minutes. I also bought this purple short sleeve shirt from H&M ...

Well, I made it to Friday. I almost didn't work out today since the BF crawled back into bed post alarm and decided he was not. Given the fact I was already awake and two other alarms kept going off, I took it as a cue to get my ass out of bed and go to the gym anyway. I may try and pull a double if I can. I ran for 35 minutes on the treadmill, followed by some leg raises (3x10) and tricep dips (2x5). I then hit the mat and did 4 variations of push ups. Ugh. 10 at wide stance, 10 at narrow stance, 10 pyramid push ups and a very painful 8 reps in pike position . Those are the devil. While I was headed to the treadmill, I saw a woman I see mostly every day doing her thing, walking uphill. She does this for about 30-40 minutes each day, or sometimes hops on the elliptical next to me. What's different about her is that she is obviously going through or underwent some sort of treatment (my guess is chemo therapy). At first, her stature startled me. She appeared weak and frail, ...

Part of my 42g protein breakfast on Wednesday I'm really trying this moderation thing. After working out for many consecutive days the past two weeks, the end result is not heaps of energy and a looser waistband. It is exhaustion. It is hunger. It is craving naps and carbs. At least for me.  The way the schedule works in my house is that Thursdays are rest days. The BF and I skip the gym in the morning but I usually end up going at night anyway. I won't do that this week. I'll be back on the horse for Fri-Wed again, and since my legs (quads, thanks front squat) are hurting today, I'm going to actually rest.  It feels "undeserved", since I didn't work out Fri-Sun of last week, but I need to change my mindset. Exercise is something I do because I enjoy it. It is not a means to an end. The journey never ends. I won't wake up six  months now and upon seeing pure satisfaction in the mirror one morning (a girl can wish), simply stop all that I...

Mid-week blues. Allergies are going crazy today and being woken up half an hour earlier than my alarm makes me cranky. I was flipping through my fitness Instagram account last night and it depressed me. I started this journey (or at least documenting it by photos) on August 28, 2013. Almost one year later, I virtually look the same. Something has to be going on. I'm either not being true to myself, my tracking or honest with my food intake. Either that, or something is truly off balance inside of me, hormonally or my cortisol levels are so out of whack they are making me retain every bit of stress, guilt and grudges I've accumulated all year and rounding my belly out with them. I admit I am still holding grudges, I am still stressed out, I still have anxiety etc, but I don't believe it's too the point of where I should be hindered this much from losing weight. Part of me wanting to track again and use this blog was to see what works and what doesn't, and use it ...

I've definitely burned some calories. Well, this tracking thing didn't go very well, did it? No updates since December and I admit, life gets in the way and sitting in front of a computer is not what I want to do after a full day of work. I haven't had a magical transformation yet, but I have come a long way in terms of strength. I had set some goals to achieve by my birthday in July and I did it. I've been steadily going to the gym, just staying consistent and while the pounds haven't melted off of me, I am definitely stronger. Six months ago I could not do a full push up but today I can: Do 15 real push ups in a row.  I can maintain a wall sit for 3:30 with a 25 lb weight on my lap.  I can bench press 100 pounds.  I can do not 1, but 5 unassisted tricep dips.  I remember how hard it was just to keep my body weight up on the captain's chair (or the Power Tower at some gyms) at the Y. Now, I can walk right up to the equipment, pump out a few l...

Things have been moving along quite nicely on the work out front. I'm not making any huge leaps and bounds nor am I seeing results (grrrrrrr) but I am being consistent. I got pretty down on myself the other day bc I was comparing a before/after shot of my back and arms that I thought was 3 months time. It literally had NO change. I was pretty peeved. For all the lat and back and shoulder work I've been doing, I was expecting something, ANYthing to slow my back rolls down. Nada. I flew into a self-deprecating rage and pouted for a while. A day went by and I realized upon closer examination, that it only been two months. Whew. I know better not to expect dramatic change in only 8 weeks of lifting especially if I'm not working out 6x a week. On good weeks I do, but most of the time it's 4-5, bc a body needs rest. I've definitely noticed gains in strength (90 lb lat pull down, assisted pull up and tricep dip) and I can do real push ups, not on my knees. My rows are up...

Well, it appears as if I'm as terrible at blogging about this journey as I am with tracking. That's not to say I have not been on track, but I just find it so tiresome to track my food, my activity, my thoughts, my anything sometimes. Life gets in the way, I sit at a computer all day and fear the wrath of corporate America watching over me. I probably shouldn't be blogging now, but I'm on my lunch break. I've been staying ahead of the day by planning out my meals like this: Steamed broccoli, chicken breast and white sweet potatoes. Mini breakfast quiches. I've been trying to cook more healthy "comfort foods" like this: Homemade vegetarian matzo ball soup! I've had days like this: If only every day could be this way.... And, I've had days like THIS: I've been making a better attempt at keeping things in line, grocery shopping, prepping my food and meals for the week, laying out work out clothes, getting up at ...

Stop me if I become your friend that only talks about weight loss and the battle of her bulge. I feel like this blog is a good outlet for that type of thing, but lately in my social time, I feel the subject always reverts back to fitness at some point. I'm not sure if other people are on their own journey, if it's something always in the forefront of my friend's minds, or if folks just feel like they have to talk about it too to make me feel better. I have been reaching out to friends I haven't seen in a long time - we're talking almost a year or more - and a lot has happened in the past year with me, mentally and physically. Sure, a lot of it has to do with my weight loss/weight gain/surgeries etc but it's not like I'm the only person on Earth who has dealt with hardship and physical setbacks. After we meet and chat for a while, catch up etc, the conversation somehow spins to weight loss, motivation or the popular topic of just getting old. I don't kn...

Motivation. I hate this belly. I never knew an A-line skirt would make me feel like such a stuffed sausage. I ventured out to Target a few weeks ago in search of a corporate presentation-ready outfit for work. I figured, what's better for my curvy figure than a nice Mad Men inspired A-line skirt? First of all, I was shocked to have to size up to a 14 because of my belly girth. Ugh. Usually I'm a 10-12 in skirts. This was a jaw dropper, and not in the good way. It's a comfortable enough skirt, but it does not stretch. Bending down or sitting is pretty constrictive. I'm usually in loose flowy skirts these days, since I'm just so used to that material post surgeries. Now that my hernia is cleared up, I'm digging into the land of waistbands again - and painfully realizing how large my waistline has become again as well. I was pretty good this past week though - slowly making changes to accommodate working out again. I left work half an hour early to meet up...

So, I'm thinking about running the Oakland Hella-Ween 5 miler in October this year. The lure of the ability to run in a tutu while wearing a hot dog hat also is appealing. Costumes? Beer? A short run? Why, Yes Please! All that is standing in the way is a $40 registration fee and well, my body. Will my knees be able to handle it? Will my hips/back/left ass cheek be able to sustain minimal damage? A year of body bullshit and two surgeries and a car accident really put a crimp in my weight loss journey. I'm hoping to get back on track and I know myself: If I don't have a goal or something to train for, I don't make the time. You'd think the want, the need, nay, the sheer desire to not hate myself would be enough. It's not. I haven't worked out since Saturday. Granted, I hiked a bunch of steps on Sunday and did a ton of walking and manual labor Monday, but no gym time. I had a full day of work Tuesday and a baseball game to attend that night. Today, working...

AThe BF got me up early this morning and even though last night I had several mixed drinks and wine AND thai food for lunch, the key is balance.  I pushed through a steep 1.38 mi hike, got my heart rate up and burned 201 cal according to my HRM.  What's a nicer reward than this good view? This is from Claremont Canyon, near the Oakland and Berkeley border. A wonderful clear morning.  After my hike, I went to the Y. I did some weights and 20 minutes on the elliptical to get some extra cardio. It was a shoulder and back day: Overhead raises Front raises 5lb Lateral Raises 5lb Push downs  Pull downs 65 lb 12x3 Chest Press 40 lbs 12x2 And for fun: Glute press 60lbs at 12 reps x2 Seated Leg Press 110 pounds 12x2

I swear, every time I start a diet, it seems as if the heavens open up and social invites for drinks and dinner and pizza fall into my lap. I am a hermit, I like my alone time and I find that sometimes social outings also test my very low will power. Sigh. I had pizza at work this week. The BF and I have veggie frozen pizzas in the fridge for quick meals during the week when we have had a lower carb day. We ration these out, and I jazz them up with extra vegetables like frozen spinach, mushrooms, kale or a protein like tofu. I still had pizza left over from the work luncheon in our fridge and when I got home from the gym last night I was starving. I haven't been very good at planning post work-out recovery meals. I know it's only the beginning of my "new routine" again, but I gotta plan better. I got hungry at work and ate my Luna Bar that I had planned to eat after work . I didn't bring my shaker to blend a Vega One shake (chai, anyone try it yet?) AND I did...

I managed to not kill myself today after work at the gym. It was my first attempt at a pseudo "leg day"! Today's workout included: Leg Press 12 reps, 3 sets, 120 pounds Leg Extensions 12 reps, 3 sets 40 pounds Leg Curls 12 reps, 3 sets 40 pounds Standing Calf Raises, 12 reps, 3 sets, 45 pounds Seated Calf Raises, 12 reps, 3 sets, body weight Squats with cables (30 pounds) 2 sets of 10 Abdominal Cable Twists, 2 sets of 12, 20 pounds 30 minutes on the treadmill, run/walk 5.0 mph. ran for 3 minutes walked for 1 Whew. I foam rolled to my heart's content after and sat in the hot tub at the gym for about 5 minutes. My body doesn't hate me...yet.

Well, here I am. All over again. This post will be long because, well, I'm starting from scratch. If anyone ever finds this blog, I'd like to give some background on where I've come from and what my intentions are.  I'm going to count this as day 1, the first day in a very familiar journey of mine that I seem to revisit time and time again. The journey of losing weight and gaining strength and feeling confident. Why is it always so damn hard? The feeling has slipped away from me time and time again, yet this last time it's staying away far longer than planned. I've documented my ups and downs, my woes and wows all over the place, social media, my other blog etc, but nothing ever really sticks . Life threw me for a loop since April 2012 when I had to have a full hysterectomy . I had been working out hard, since September 2011 to lose weight. By April, I had managed to lose almost 20 pounds through running, diet and  weights classes. I even ran a half maratho...