Keep Showing Up

Mid-week blues. Allergies are going crazy today and being woken up half an hour earlier than my alarm makes me cranky.

I was flipping through my fitness Instagram account last night and it depressed me. I started this journey (or at least documenting it by photos) on August 28, 2013. Almost one year later, I virtually look the same. Something has to be going on. I'm either not being true to myself, my tracking or honest with my food intake. Either that, or something is truly off balance inside of me, hormonally or my cortisol levels are so out of whack they are making me retain every bit of stress, guilt and grudges I've accumulated all year and rounding my belly out with them.

I admit I am still holding grudges, I am still stressed out, I still have anxiety etc, but I don't believe it's too the point of where I should be hindered this much from losing weight. Part of me wanting to track again and use this blog was to see what works and what doesn't, and use it as a reference.

I wish I had kept better track of my food intake, my exercises, my feelings through the whole process  2 years ago. I feel robbed of what I believed to be the body I was almost happy with. Prior to my hysterectomy surgery due to a large fibroid, I was training for a half marathon. I was boxing. I enjoyed Bikram. I was active, let's put it that way. I lost about 20 pounds and was on my way to lose more. I can honestly say I was getting into the best shape of my life the right way, the fun way. Then, spring of 2012 hit and everything changed.

I don't want to harp on it or make excuses anymore, but I can't help but feel pissed off at the course of events that happened to me. I need to change my mindset. Things don't happen TO me, I go THROUGH things. Surgeries and car accidents aside, I have been consistent at trying to better myself and get stronger. I have suffered with recovery, inactivity, set backs and injuries long enough. Last summer's accident prevented me from doing a lot, but last fall I really started kicking things into high gear. Fast forward to today, and I can recognize the gains I have made, but I need to start focusing on loss.

I'm not looking for change overnight, but I really need something to keep me going. To keep pushing. 11 months and counting...counting the amount of clothes I can't fit into. I'm counting the amount of workout pants I own. I'm counting calories, counting minutes held in planks or wall sits. I would like to start charting some progress!! I guess this is the part of the journey where everyone says "keep going! push through it! stay with it! stay consistent!". So here I am. I'm going to keep showing up.

Today's Workout
Fasted cardio:
  • 3 mile run on the treadmill
  • 40 push ups
  • will work on assisted pull ups, leg raises at home
  • DB shoulder presses, front/side raises
Breakfast was a fat free english muffin with low sodium ham, thin sliced cheese and tomato and half a Lara bar (peanut butter cookie), lots of water. Lunch is being catered at work today, so it's sandwich wraps and fruit/veggies. I may pass on a cupcake, but I'm not made of stone.


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