Things are a little intimidating.
Starting off a new year with the same point of view. I always aim to write more, to track more, to do more, but in the end it's the same old me, taking way too many depression naps, keeping a stash of pizza rolls in the freezer and wavering between extreme productivity and self-doubt.
The end of 2017 was a doozy. I lost my dog in September suddenly to what we think was a brain tumor and I lost my job in December. Technically I'm still working, but my job is officially over on 2/15. However, once operations stopped, so did my daily duties.
I kind of spent October in a haze, not really sure what to do, but just going through the motions of losing a pet and a furry shoulder to rest upon on a daily basis. It's true what they say, silence is deafening. Not hearing his paws on the wooden floor, his snores from across the room or the jangle of his collar really hit me hard. I was working from home a lot at the time, so I had plenty of opportunities to stare into the distance at an empty dog bed from the couch. I was in the Bell Jar, and it wasn't pretty.
The holidays came and went, which I hate anyway since my family is dysfunctional, I don't travel and my partner works retail with no reprieve. Once December hits, all bets are off and I go into full hibernation mode. I thought it would be good for me to slow down, take this time to work on myself and start feeling whole again. I signed up for professional development classes online to make myself more marketable. I started working out more regularly and overall gave myself permission to just...be.
I found myself being more busy in January than I had in a long time -- even with not working my full time job! I took a workshop on coding, I re-upped some marketing certifications that had lapsed over the last year, and continued to learn new things via online classes. I managed to have a few phone interviews and even an "assignment" for one job early this month. I picked up some freelance work in graphic design and lost a few weekends to endless edits, studying and putting together a presentation for said interview process. It was pretty exhausting mentally!
Things seem to be slowing down a bit now, which is good. I filled my life with distractions and things I thought I "should be" doing, since you know, I'm useless without a job or office to go to. I neglected to really take the time to "do me" though. I turned 40 this summer and made a vow to myself that this was the year I'd finally put into action all the things I've talked about since my 20's.
I have goals I'd like to accomplish, such as doing a real pull-up, bench pressing 150 pounds or squatting my own weight (trust me, that is a feat in and of itself -- hence the pull up issue) and finally see Europe in some capacity. To my credit, I've been working out and getting stronger and booked a trip to London and Amsterdam in March -- my first time ever overseas. I should be happy, but I'm still in a funk.
I don't like the way I feel. I don't like the way I look. I don't like feeling "old". By no means am I heading to Shady Pines any time soon, nor do children or small animals recoil when I pass them on the street, but things start to weigh heavier (pun intended) when you're a woman who has hit 40. Self-criticism is at an all time high especially when you're jobless and looking for work in a high tech, highly expensive and youthful area like the Bay. When you're expected to know how to code or have experience in start ups or years of marketing growth prowess and still be a sprightly "under 30" to boot, things are a little intimidating. Things like the gym, the job search and well, just life in general.
I know it's silly, but I go through this every time I am out of work. It creeps up on you like a tight pair of capris, and when I look in the mirror, it takes every bit of energy to tell myself, I'm a fucking bad ass unicorn. Deep down I know it, but I surely do not show it. I'm working on another post in my mind regarding this, but need to stew on it a little longer. I needed to organize my thoughts and wade back into blogging with baby steps with an inaugural post. Also, I think it's time for a nap.
The end of 2017 was a doozy. I lost my dog in September suddenly to what we think was a brain tumor and I lost my job in December. Technically I'm still working, but my job is officially over on 2/15. However, once operations stopped, so did my daily duties.
I kind of spent October in a haze, not really sure what to do, but just going through the motions of losing a pet and a furry shoulder to rest upon on a daily basis. It's true what they say, silence is deafening. Not hearing his paws on the wooden floor, his snores from across the room or the jangle of his collar really hit me hard. I was working from home a lot at the time, so I had plenty of opportunities to stare into the distance at an empty dog bed from the couch. I was in the Bell Jar, and it wasn't pretty.
The holidays came and went, which I hate anyway since my family is dysfunctional, I don't travel and my partner works retail with no reprieve. Once December hits, all bets are off and I go into full hibernation mode. I thought it would be good for me to slow down, take this time to work on myself and start feeling whole again. I signed up for professional development classes online to make myself more marketable. I started working out more regularly and overall gave myself permission to just...be.
I found myself being more busy in January than I had in a long time -- even with not working my full time job! I took a workshop on coding, I re-upped some marketing certifications that had lapsed over the last year, and continued to learn new things via online classes. I managed to have a few phone interviews and even an "assignment" for one job early this month. I picked up some freelance work in graphic design and lost a few weekends to endless edits, studying and putting together a presentation for said interview process. It was pretty exhausting mentally!
Things seem to be slowing down a bit now, which is good. I filled my life with distractions and things I thought I "should be" doing, since you know, I'm useless without a job or office to go to. I neglected to really take the time to "do me" though. I turned 40 this summer and made a vow to myself that this was the year I'd finally put into action all the things I've talked about since my 20's.
I have goals I'd like to accomplish, such as doing a real pull-up, bench pressing 150 pounds or squatting my own weight (trust me, that is a feat in and of itself -- hence the pull up issue) and finally see Europe in some capacity. To my credit, I've been working out and getting stronger and booked a trip to London and Amsterdam in March -- my first time ever overseas. I should be happy, but I'm still in a funk.
I don't like the way I feel. I don't like the way I look. I don't like feeling "old". By no means am I heading to Shady Pines any time soon, nor do children or small animals recoil when I pass them on the street, but things start to weigh heavier (pun intended) when you're a woman who has hit 40. Self-criticism is at an all time high especially when you're jobless and looking for work in a high tech, highly expensive and youthful area like the Bay. When you're expected to know how to code or have experience in start ups or years of marketing growth prowess and still be a sprightly "under 30" to boot, things are a little intimidating. Things like the gym, the job search and well, just life in general.
I know it's silly, but I go through this every time I am out of work. It creeps up on you like a tight pair of capris, and when I look in the mirror, it takes every bit of energy to tell myself, I'm a fucking bad ass unicorn. Deep down I know it, but I surely do not show it. I'm working on another post in my mind regarding this, but need to stew on it a little longer. I needed to organize my thoughts and wade back into blogging with baby steps with an inaugural post. Also, I think it's time for a nap.
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| This guy was the best at naps. |
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