Down in the Dumps

Some days, you throw the shoes you wore to work in the trash by your desk because they are falling apart. Some days, you kneel in front of an open fridge after work and eat ham straight from the deli package in front of your dog. Some days, you rush home and go to the liquor store to buy wine because you've run out and dammit, now is not the time to be sober.

 Last week I had all of those days and needless to say, I was thrilled the weekend came. I saw my physical therapist on Thursday to make sure my back was okay. It's been hurting me for the past week or so and I didn't want it to affect my workout routine. Even with a few days off, I managed to have a personal best on my squat on Saturday. 100 pounds! I also have been maintaining my bench press at a steady 105lbs so I'm not losing muscle. The only thing that sucks is that I haven't lost any fat either.

I've been in that slump again. It started last week and I can't get the funk out. I'm falling down that slippery slope of self-hate again. I'm not thinking nice things about myself or my body. I'm avoiding the mirror. I'm having food guilt. I'm struggling between cutting my calories again since 1800 a day is NOT letting me lose weight, but I don't know if that's ENOUGH to fuel my workouts to continue to squat triple digits. Sigh.

I'm taking a break again. My PT basically shot me down and said my workouts are "too aggressive" for a someone with back pain. Granted it's low level though chronic pain, I am trying to build my strength and stay active. This, in the long run should help me. I realized I haven't really taken a full week off of working out. I mean, nothing, zip, zero, nada. I took about 7 days off from weights due to my forearm pain (oh tendinitis) but I just picked up the leg days and running in replace of that. 

Unfortunately, now I can't run, do any sprints, intervals, high impact work or lift heavy. Upper body workouts can stay, but my form has to be perfect. Body weight squats are fine, but anything else is asking for trouble. Now I've got myself a challenge to pick up some new classes, variations and workout routines. I think swimming or water aerobics, yoga and Pilate's are in my future. I'm thankful my gym has a pool and reformer classes. I'm willing to dish out the cash if it will be helping my core strength and alignment.

I just wish I could get out of this negative thought process. Every morning I dread finding an outfit. My internal dialogue is to the effect of: My pants don't fit. My face is fat. I have jowls. My workout top rides up when I run. My work clothes from last year don't fit STILL. My stomach is huge. What's wrong with me? I'm tired all the time. I posted somewhere the other day that I was tired of feeling like a "before" picture. That's what I honestly feel like. I'm at the precipice of something--and have been for a year--with no change. I've taken many a plunge, changed routines, diet etc and yet, here I am, unhappy again. The only thing I can do is to just keep waking up, working out and testing out different things to see what could work.


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