Eat the Food, Lift the Things. Losing weight or losing my mind - it changes daily.
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If I'm going to be accountable and really put it out there, here are the photos/experiences that really upset me and pretty much were the straw that broke the camel's back in this body of mine. I work in a corporate environment, so I have to dress up. I'm used to being able to wear comfortable clothes, yoga pants and turn workout attire into reasonably disguised 9-5 wear. Not here. I've managed to buy some dresses here and there and I've found some scores in sales racks. I'm a fan of easy on, easy off, especially gym days. I have this one dress though, that I didn't try on before I bought it. It fits everywhere except for my arms...my big matronly arms. The last time I wore it, I had painful chafing and basically felt like my circulation was being cut off because it was so tight around the circumference.
Ah, bloating. Ever since my surgeries, my digestion has been less than stellar. Every day I find something else that causes me extreme bloating, gas pains, gas, a snap crackle popping noise in my left side (the bubble guts I like to call them) or embarrassingly loud howls coming from my bowels. This does not bode well in an office setting. One day, after having a seemingly innocent breakfast of a green juice, a green tea latte (with full dairy) and some grapes, this happened. Half way through my work day I realized I had a basketball sized food baby protruding out of my body. This is unacceptable.
Finally, here it is. The body I am born with, the body that shames me. I know, things could be worse. I could be missing a limb. I could be unable to walk etc, but this is not the shape I am comfortable in. This is not the shape I move well in. This body has taken a beating, internally and externally. My stomach bears 6 scars and I seem to carry all my weight in it. I'm a woman, I'm a Cancer and I'm told this is normal, but I don't like it. I also know that weight is not a number, but the scale is not clouding my mind with muscle. There's fat in them thar hills. I also know a waist size of 36 or greater is not healthy as a woman, especially one in her 30s. For my own health and future, it's important I start taking better care of myself now, to prevent any more complications later. Seeing these images make me cry right now. I hope to look back one day and say they made me proud. Today is not that day.
Someone asked me today where my "leftover tradition" came from. I tend to leave a little bit of food in the pan of the meal I've created, be it for me or me and someone else. I have a few reasons why, it turns out. Who knew my obsession with food went levels deep?
Sneaky Diet Shade
Sometimes I'll break up a single serving into two, just to make myself feel like I'm eating more or really "going back for seconds". I try to trick my brain into thinking I'm getting a treat of MORE FOOD! When I'm with someone who's watching their weight, I do the same. For some reason it makes me feel good.
I'm Cheap and Lazy
Rather than leave a single serving of pasta or a few fingerling potatoes around, I'll cook more than the amount my man and I will share. That way I'm guaranteed left overs for lunch or even later that night. If I ziplock, tie, tape or freeze any remaining ingredients, it's a surefire way to wasteland because I'll never touc…
I haven't signed into this blog in over a year. I think for a while I was so caught up in what other people were doing, what they were saying, how their journey was going etc. that I basically devoted all my energy into feeding into that desire --of seeing life through someone else's eyes-- instead of my own. I need to work things out in my head.
It's been a crazy few years. I'm approaching the big 4-0 and am finding it hard to come to terms with that. I feel the restrictions my body is putting on me now. And I don't like it. But I persist. I run with chafed thighs or lady parts, I squat with sore knees and do lateral raises with a shoulder housing tendinitis. I should get a tattoo of Motrin on my ass.
I have my heroes like Erin Brown, Nia Shanks, Molly Galbraith and Amber Rogers to keep me going for inspiration, resources and motivation. I'm thankful during my time avoiding my own voice I found these phenomenal women who really took up space in this world and …
I'm reaching the point where I can finally start to see some progress. It's strange, when others notice it too. I've been spending this month oddly proud and somewhat embarrassed. I was chosen by my health coach and gym to be their "member of the month". I wanted to make sure my blurb talked about persistence and really overcoming obstacles. I feel like that's all I've had. My write up mentions a few things I can now do (push ups, tricep dips), things I've done (lost some weight, gained some muscle) and some challenges I've had (car accident, surgeries etc). I will admit, it's a bit odd to see my picture in various corners of the gym. Thank god no one has approached me about it -- only my coworkers who also go to the gym there.
My shoulder and arm are still bothering me so I've been back to running and squatting. I've tried to pick up the dead lifts again too, as long as my back plays along nicely. I'm still mad at myself for not …